Commitment-phobia

I know what you might be thinking about this entry, what with Valentine’s Day being this weekend.  But I’m not talking about being commitment-phobic in relationships here (well, yet anyway).  I’m talking about being commitment-phobic to my job.

Yes, I have a job.  Finally!  Even though it’s only apart-time job in retail, it’s something for me to do while I look for other jobs!  Anyway, I realized that I can’t stay committed to this job for the long haul.  I decided today that I don’t like working for large corporations.  Sure, they can help customers get lower prices and they have a great variety of things, but on the employee side things are a little different.  There are all these corporate policies we have to follow, and forms to fill out for different transactions.  The chain of command is such that the store managers don’t even have much control over what their store carries.  Then there is the competition with the other branches.  As a sales “team”, we are expected to beat the other branches in sales each month.  We are supposed to push customers to sign up for our store rewards card (don’t we have enough cards in our wallets already?!?) and try to get them to buy more items by offering them a basket or cart.

And for the sale of alcohol, it’s also corporate policy that we card anyone that looks under 40.  For all other ages, we’re just supposed to ask for their birthday.  Um, that’s dumb.  If they have white hair, why even bother asking?  Some people are embarrassed by this policy.  “Do I have to tell you the year?”  one middle-aged woman asked me.  Well, yes you do, ma’am.  Corporate policy.  And one man I asked today simply refused.  “Can I have your date of birth?” I asked him politely.  “No, I don’t think so,” he stated, and proceeded to swipe his credit card.  *Sigh*  So I had to use the system’s generic DOB (a no-no ) to complete the transaction.

So these things are some reasons why I don’t want to commit to a job like this for the long run.  I can do the job, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the job.  I’m hoping to stay away from corporations in the future if I can help it.  While I’m working away at the register this week, I’ll be thinking of ways to get out of this.  And I’ll be thinking of where I’d like to end up next….

Ideal vs. Real

I’ll just come out and say it:  post-college life is not how I imagined it would be.  Ideally, my plan was to work 40 hrs. a week somewhere, get more involved in church, hang out with friends, read lots of good books, write, and exercise.  So far, none of that has really happened.  I also wanted to save up a bunch of money and improve my climbing gear rack and take a trip to New England.  Doesn’t look like that will be happening, either.

I am a bit too idealistic at times.

After college, I didn’t expect to get a high-paying  job or a job I could see myself still working at five years down the road.  No, I just figured any minimum wage job would do.  I am moving in a couple months anyway, so I didn’t see the use of getting trained to do something more professional.  But that’s where the realism apparently stops.

Turns out that the economy sucks, people are still losing jobs, and for people trying to find them, there’s slim pickings.  I’ve heard “we’re not hiring” from several employers.  When I finally found a job (about a month after I started looking), I was given nine hours for the week.  Nine.  At this rate, I’ll need four jobs to cover living expenses in California! *Sigh*  I am just getting really discouraged.  My feet want to run somewhere and wait this thing out. [K.M.-remember our plan to live in a van?] But I have to tell myself not to run away (as much as I want to) and stick this out.  I’m bound to find something.

Another area where my idealism crashed is in finances.  No job=no money.  Rent in this city is horrendous.  I’m draining my savings account to keep a roof over my head, and without some help I’ve been receiving, I’d be starving, too.  And those of you who know me know that I’m cheap.  I don’t spend a lot of money and I’m pretty selective when it comes to buying things.  So, I’m trying to save what I have so that I can afford to move East in May…

And about those other things that I hoped I’d be doing by now…  I’ve been reading a bit and blogging a bit, exercising here and there.  But it’s just not as good as I thought it would be.  I don’t like doing everything alone.  That being said, I feel like my social life is dying, and I’m pretty bored and lonely a lot of the time.  I’m working on Sundays now, so that means I don’t go to church.

Anyway, my idealism is being crushed by reality…  I still have a list of things I want to do, but that just seems like wishful thinking now more than ever.

I don’t think this is how it’s supposed to be.

Holding the Sky

During WWII, the poet William Stafford was a conscientious objector.  So instead of being sent to war, he was sent to what is now the Los Padres National Forest (near where I live!).  He wrote poems on a daily basis while he was in a work camp there.  This weekend I went to a poetry reading in honor of William Stafford at the site where he used to work.  It was so refreshing to be outside in the late afternoon sun, and feel the gentle breeze on my face as it carried the words of the poem to my ears.  A number of the poems that I heard I liked, but the poem that follows is one I found in my own reading.  It was written just after the years of the war; it is from a collection called Traveling Through the Dark.

Holding the Sky

We saw a town by the track in Colorado.
Cedar trees below had sifted the air,
snow water foamed the torn river there,
and a lost road went climbing the slope like a ladder.

We were traveling between a mountain and Thursday,
holding pages back on the calendar,
remembering every turn in the roadway:
we could hold that sky, we said, and remember.

On the western slope we crashed into Thursday.
“So long,” you said when the train stopped there.
Snow was falling, touching in the air.
Those dark mountains have never wavered.

Push the “Repeat” Button. Many Times.

Occasionally, I post lyrics to songs on my blog. This song in particular has been a recent favorite of mine–it’s rising to the top of my iTunes “Most Played” list and I’m still not sick of it. I guess I can relate to the lyrics, and I love the music that Ben Folds produces…a lot of his music has a kind of piano pop/rock sound. So this song is for today, because today has been one of those days when I wish I was still a kid. When I was younger, I wasn’t aware that I was fighting Time yet, and things were much simpler then. Now, things have gotten more complicated, stressful, and uncertain. It’s enough to make me wish for Yesterday. “But everybody knows it hurts to grow up, and everybody does” have to grow up someday. So let the music begin…

“Still Fighting It” by Ben Folds

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo’s only $9.95
It’s okay, you don’t have to pay
I’ve got all the change.

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up,
And everybody does.
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you ’bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed.
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up,
And everybody does.
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
You’ll try and try and one day you’ll fly
Away from me.

Good morning, son
I am a bird;
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up,
And everybody does.
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
Oh, we’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry.

Verbatim

All those hours studying, writing theses, and reading in the cold light of the library is bound to make anyone a bit loopy. That’s mainly a student problem, but professors get a bit crazy at times, too. However, I’m not sure what to chalk that up to… Over the last few years in college, I’ve collected some quotes from a few of my professors. Scribbled on notebooks sheets here and there, I have finally compiled these quotes into a short work I’m calling “Verbatim.” Here’s a sampling of some of them (and hopefully most won’t be the “you just had to be there” kind):

“Never marry a man like MacBeth, ladies.” –Dr. Willis, English professor

“You have to choose the right weapon to fight…the…beast! Sorry, I have been playing too many video games lately.” –Dr. Tro (Chemistry professor), on choosing which method to use for solving acid/base titrations.

“I really like entropy, mainly because it has my name in it, but really it’s very neat…” –Dr. Tro on Entropy.

“You know what Punnett Squares are…sex on a Powerpoint slide!” –Dr. Percival, Biology professor

Martin Luther: “…a rather feisty German monk” –Dr. Chapman, History professor

“I don’t know why there was so much confusion about where this bird [a turkey] came from… So you should remember at Thanksgiving that what you’re eating is not roast Turkey but roast America.” –Dr. Chapman

“If you are ever tempted to have an affair, read Anna Karenina.” –Dr. Chapman

“See yourself as a missionary wherever you are.” –Dr. Chapman

“Today you have learned that logic is unlike cake.” –Dr. Nelson, Philosophy professor

“I make it a habit to carry with me at all times a gigantic plastic insect. It’s just a good idea.” –Dr. Nelson

“Do we have any sticks here? Excuse me for a minute while I go out and get one… (leaves classroom to get stick for demonstration).” –Dr. Nelson

“In case you didn’t see that, that was a perfect shot.”  -Dr. Nelson, throwing away a dry erase marker

“All over the world there are umbrellas that once belonged to me.” –Dr. Nelson

“We are not human ‘doings,’ we are human ‘beings.’” -Ajaan Mike

“The silence of God is the greatest test of our faith.” –Ben Patterson

Not Idle in Idyllwild

“Pt. 1, A: MOI spine, TBI, A’: increasing ICP. tx: spine stable, monitor MS, evac.” my notes read. All this studying was preparation for the 4-day Wilderness First Responder course I was taking in Idyllwild. I had to complete a 32-page pre-course study packet so that I would be up to speed with the rest of the course participants. So not only did I have to get reacquainted with all the abbreviations used in emergency medicine, but I had to refresh my memory as to how to differentiate between a traumatic brain injury and increasing intracranial pressure, for example.

When the course started, we jumped right into some new information (joint dislocations!) which built upon the info in the study packet, so I was glad to have had a little advance prep. The class days were long… we went from 8 a.m. to 6 or 7 p.m. with an hour break for lunch. During lunch and the bathroom breaks between textbook units, I took every chance I could to study. Five minutes here, seven minutes there… I was living and breathing wilderness medicine for four days straight. Towards the end, I felt like my brain was going to explode. But all the studying and class hours paid off, though, because I left Idyllwild with a WMA WFR Certificate in hand!

I find emergency medicine fascinating, and with a wacky instructor and good classmates, this course was all the better. The instructor, JJ, is well over 6 feet tall and skinny as a lodgepole pine. He has long black hair that he keeps in a pony tail at the nape of his neck. His round eyeglasses have Croakies pushed up all the way to the hinge in the frame. Without the glasses, JJ kind of looks like Daniel Day-Lewis on the cover of “The Last of the Mohicans” DVD. JJ’s in his mid-40s, but the way he talks and his zany sense of humor makes him come across a lot younger. I remember from the last course I took with him that he hates water and motorcycles with a passion. Although he didn’t go off on a tangent explaining why he will never put a foot into the ocean, he did allow himself a rant on motorcycles. “Whoever says that loud exhaust pipes make drivers more aware of the motorcylclist…it’s so not true. Because they point backwards, you don’t even hear the pipes until they’re right up next to you or in front of you! They’re so obnoxious. It just rattles the freakin’ mountains!!” he exclaims, before switching back to his lecture on cardiogenic shock.

There were ten others in my class, from different places and all walks of life. There was an Outdoor Ed. high school teacher from Ojai, a surfboard shaper and rock climber from Whittier, an astronomer from Geneva, Switzerland, a 46-year-old father of two who “was just getting bored with life,” a NPS Resource Management Specialist from Lake Mead, and a 21-year-old college student from Arizona, to name a few. We got acquainted real fast, because not only were we in class together 9 hours a day, but we also had to take each other’s vital signs (“hm, your respiration rate is 22; that’s a little high…”) and do a focused history and physical exam on each other as part of our Patient Assessment Drills.

Oh those Patient Assessment Drills…haha.  JJ comes up with a wild assortment of emergency scenarios.  He’ll give us “rescuers” a briefing on one of them. Then we go out to find and treat the patient. JJ might start with something like: “OK, so your friend Binky was skiing some gnarly slopes in the backcountry when he flies off a ledge, misses his landing, and takes a tumbling fall into the trees. When you ski down to him, you notice that his helmet is cracked and his arm is twisted in an unnatural way. Ready? Go.” So we set off outside in search of “Binky,” armed with med kits and a radio. As the the course goes on, the drills get more complex and more realistic (with fake blood, vomit, and facial make-up).

On the last two drills, JJ uses a video camera to record our rescue efforts. The video camera is a “great cerebral evacuator” according to JJ, who uses it to add some pressure and stress like there would be on a real rescue. We’re all a little more nervous because of it, and when he points the camera at us and asks “So where are you in your assessment of the patient?” sometimes we stumble a little. Some goof-ups are funnier than others. At one point JJ questions Daniel about his decision to clear Adam of a spine injury. “Are you sure he is a reliable patient?” JJ asks, the camera zoomed in on Daniel’s face. Daniel gets flustered and answers: “I think his mental status is pretty good… I mean, do you hear all the smart-ass jokes he’s been making?? Look at his face. He looks pretty awake and reliable to me!”  Adam is in the corner of the screen, trying to keep a straight face and look ill.

There were a lot of light moments in this WFR course, but I think there was some serious learning taking place.  In our drill de-briefings,  we’d go over what we did wrong and what we could improve on the next time.  We had two quizzes and a big test, and plenty of on-the-spot questions thrown at us in class.  My classmates and I were studying around the clock and mentally preparing ourselves for the next emergency scenario.  I feel like I learned a lot and got more comfortable in my role as a first responder.  I now have a professional-level CPR (adult, child, & infant) certification and the ability to:
**reduce simple dislocations,
**administer epinephrine injections for anaphylaxis and severe asthma,
**administer medical oxygen,
**use diagnostic tools (blood pressure cuff, stethoscope), and
**use an AED

After four days of fast-paced learning, emergency scenario drills, and a bit of fun, I think it’s time to celebrate!  Cheers to my fellow “woofers,” may you never need to use some of the skills we’ve learned…

Until next time,

–A

Finding Your Calling

Oswald Chambers was a gifted teacher and speaker who traveled throughout Great Britain and some areas overseas in the early 20th century.  His insights and parts of his speeches are collected in a book called “My Utmost for His Highest.”  If you are interested in theology and haven’t already picked up this book, check it out!  It’s pretty dense (meaning I have to read a section over two or three times so the meaning can really sink in) but well worth the read.  The following text from “My Utmost for His Highest” caught my eye because I often wonder what I should do with my life.  Everyone (especially in Christian circles) talks about finding your “calling,” or discovering your life’s vocation.  Well, I’d like to know what mine is, because I could really use some direction in these next few years.  Chambers touches on this, but also wraps it in the bigger idea of service.  So here are his thoughts on what Chambers calls “The Call of the Natural Life”…

–When it pleased God… to reveal His Son in me…  –Galatians 1:15-16

“The call of God is not a call to serve Him in any particular way.  My contact with the nature of God will shape my understanding of His call and will help me realize what I truly desire to do for Him.  The call of God is an expression of His nature; the service which results in my life is suited to me and is an expression of my nature.  The call of the natural life was stated by the apostle Paul–”When it pleased God…to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him [that is, purely and solemnly express him] among the Gentiles…”

“Service is the overflow which pours from a life filled with love and devotion.  But strictly speaking, there is no call to that.  Service is what I bring to the relationship and is the reflection of my identification with the nature of God.  Service becomes a natural part of my life.  God brings me into the proper relationship with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve him on my own out of a motivation of absolute love.  Service to God is the deliberate love-gift of a nature that has heard the call of God.  Service is an expression of my nature, and God’s call is an expression of His nature.  Therefore, when I receive His nature and bear His call, His divine voice resounds throughout His nature and mine and the two become one in service.  The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life.”

A Late Start, But a Start Nonetheless

Here I am, an unemployed college graduate.  It’s just my luck to graduate in this economy, huh?  I’ve been looking for jobs for just the last week.  I do regret not starting my job search much earlier, but when I think back on last semester and how crazy it was in the last month or so (what with graduation, final projects, finals, working too much, etc) I really don’t know that I would have made much more progress than I am making now.  Which is to say, not much.  I’ve applied at three places, asked my old boss for my job back (no openings there!) and basically advertised myself (sort of like the guy in the pic…haha) around my church.  I need to step it up, though.  I need to find work soon.

So, if anyone is reading this and has any ideas or leads, I’d love to hear about them!  [Even if you don't, I still like comments.  I often wonder who really reads this blog!]

If you are a recent college graduate like myself, I also wish you luck on your job search–that is, unless you already have a job.  Then a “Congratulations!” is in order for being so on top of the game!

Okay, I have to go and keep working on some applications. 

Until next time,

–A.

Observations of a Frequent Flyer

I’ve done my fair share of traveling.  I’ve taken many car trips halfway across the country, and when a driving somewhere isn’t an option, I fly.  I’ve been in more than half a dozen airports in the last couple years, some more familiar than others.  But no matter what airport I’m in or what airline I am flying with, I always come away from the trip with some interesting (and sometimes odd) observations and stories.  Here are some from my latest airport adventures:

Coincidence?  I think not.  I was one of the first people in the waiting area for my flight from DIA to L.A.  I took a seat and then waited for the airline rep or whatever they’re called to sound the boarding call.  I wasn’t in the mood to pull out a book or use up the last of my cell’s battery power to call people, so I resorted to people-watching.  I hope I wasn’t being creepy, but there are just so many interesting people in an airport.  As more and more people came and sat down in the waiting area, I noticed a trend:  almost everyone was wearing or holding something that was burnt orange.  Hmmm.  Then I saw a couple girls wearing sweatshirts with “Texas Longhorns” emblazoned on the front.  A woman across from me was wearing a silver necklace with a longhorn pendant.  A guy a couple rows ahead was wearing a Longhorn hat.  Aha. Devoted fans must be heading to an “away” game. Mystery solved, I thought. 

But that’s only half the story.  There can’t be a football game without two teams, so I looked among the benches of passengers for the Longhorns’ rival team.  Soon enough, an older couple (at a good distance from the burnt orange people, mind you) proudly wore their “Alabama” shirts.  As these football fans and other underinformed-about-sports individuals like myself boarded the plane, more and more Alabama fans came out of the woodwork (or, perhaps more appropriately, the metal jetway).  I wonder where they had been hiding?  Anyway, two Texas fans were seated in front of me, with an empty seat between them.  A late Alabama fan rushed into the plane, only to find his seat was between those two in burnt orange.  “Uh oh,” he audibly said when he saw his seatmates.  I stifled a laugh and watched as he switched seats with a woman (wearing an orange and white striped scarf) a row up and on the opposite side of the plane so he wouldn’t have to sit in the company of those !$&* Longhorn fans.  Oh, this will be an interesting trip… 

The next day I Googled “Texas vs. Alabama” to see who won the game.  Sorry, Texas.

Is Flying Thousands of Feet Up in the Clouds Related to Cloudy Judgement?  The scenario:  “Do you have your AmEx credit card, sweetie??” a wife might ask her dozing husband.  “Huh?” he says, then mumbles ”What do you need it for?” as he slowly regains consciousness.  “Well, there’s this ‘Zombie of Montclaire Moors’ garden statue that I think would look lovely in that patch of azaleas by the front walkway.  See?  It looks like it’s really crawling out of the ground!”  Her husband snatches the magazine, grimaces at the horrific life-size statue, but guiltily hands over the AmEx.  He figures he owes her something since she let him go out golfing with the guys twice at the resort’s 18-hole course.  Ten days later, they will have a charge of $89.95 plus shipping and handling on their credit card bill, and a revolting zombie statue in the garden that will scare their guests for months to come. 

So this particular scenario is fictional, but surely these zombie statues must sell, along with the dozens of other ridiculous products that SkyMall features in their glossy catalogues.  As I sat in the plane, I flipped to the next page.  A tanning box specifically for your feet?  Come on!  The picture showed a cheerful business professional sitting at her desk.  Her feet were in this little tanning box that was supposed to get rid of the sock lines that she got while golfing over the weekend.  If I bought it, it would get rid of my flip-flop tan.  But seriously, who needs this stuff?!?  Obviously, the business professional is much happier since she bought it.  But who in their right mind would buy this?  And how about the “handsome” wood pet crate that also functions as a living room end table?  “Yeah, I paid $260 so my dog can be comfortable under a table in my living room.  He only leaves hair on the end table now!” a satisfied customer might say.

Well, as a bored airline traveler, I find there is no end to the entertainment this SkyMall catalog provides.  I poke fun at a lot of the things in there, but I will admit there are a few (a select few) things that actually make sense.  But I don’t need to elaborate on that here.  My main purpose here is to alert people to the cloudy judgement that apparently happens at high altitudes.  So next time you are on a plane, resist the temptation to get out your wallet.  You don’t really need that EuroCave wine fridge that only holds two bottles, do you?

Until the next airline adventure,

–A.

On the Hunt

I slept in today, which for me means getting up around 8:30 a.m. (unless I’ve had a super late night, I can’t sleep in much later than that!).  Today was my first full day back in California after Christmas break.  In the last month, I have graduated from college and traveled to NE, MO, and CO to visit family & friends.  Now, after a LONG trip, I am home.

But it’s different being home this time.  I am an unemployed college graduate, and I have a lot of time staring me in the face.  I went to sleep the first night I was back and told myself I’ll just start the job hunt tomorrow.  What’s one more day?  So I did start today, kind of.  I got up this morning and spent about two hours browsing jobs posted by my alma mater.  Not much there.  Then I went to my past place of employment (the college grounds department) with a friend to check and see if I could have my old job back.  But I didn’t really get anywhere with that.  My friend, who also worked for the grounds crew, ended up chatting with the bosses.  Undoubtedly, it was very entertaining to listen to, and I found myself laughing along with them and not thinking about my current state of unemployment.  We left when their lunch hour was over.  Oh, well.  I’ll send the boss an e-mail; probably better to do it that way anyway!

This afternoon, I spent about an hour and a half Googling “jobs in ___” and clicking the links I got.  Surprisingly, I did find a couple options.  An Ace Home Improvement store and a California Pizza Kitchen were hiring.  Not bad, right?  At this point, I am willing to do almost anything.  My funds are running a bit low these days.

So, my goal in the next 24 hours is to finish working on my resume and the CPK application.  I will also be checking out newspaper classifieds.  That will be the end of a fairly productive first day back in California.  And readers, if you know of any available jobs, let me know!  I’d love to hear about them, whether they are in the state of California or not!

Until next time,
–A.